Late Night Turmoil Thoughts

I know this shouldn't be a big issue and I've been told countless of times to let it go and put it in the past. It's easier said than done. I know what happened should really be put behind me, but I guess I've turn quite sensitive. I just find myself a little stunned and hurt at what simple words can do. I feel powerless because I can do something about it, but I chose not to. Why? Because I feel it's not worth the effort to go to an extent of "trying" to patch misunderstandings. As much as I want to give reasons, I just know it will be futile in the end. My words won't be heard or taken seriously. I'll probably end up being judged again. Negatively. Although it does feel like I'm cowering because I can't face you, I'm tired of potential arguments and pointless bitter words throwing back and forth. I'll save myself the trouble. I'm not stupid and as a female, I know how the game works. Of course this section will be share and what I said will be used against me in some ways. But that's okay, whatever the consequences is...I'll be sure to have a backbone. Of course without a doubt I know I am being displayed as a bad person for what I have done. I will never think it's wrong to finally find someone that likes you for who you are. You tell me to follow what is right in my heart and I took it. I failed to realize that you were testing my loyalty. Even so, things wouldn't be the same anyways. I follow what was right for me and for once in my life I got something amazing out of it. I was selfish to think I can keep both. You really opened my eyes and I started to see the things in a different way. I ended up learning about myself and did a whole self reflection. Sounds a little gay and cheesy, but it's true. I apologized to friends who I hurt the most. Especially to friends of who were once close. I did hate myself and I know things will not be the same as it was before. I'm more apologetic and sincere. (At least that is what I keep telling myself) I know when I'm in the wrong and of course I'll apologize. But I'm sure my apology means nothing to you. I can't talk to you or face you. I don't think I will even if I have the opportunity. As much as I gave myself a little hope that we could be friends again, I'll stop being so optimistic about it. You and I both know we're best off as strangers. You were a good friend and the friendship we had was a good one. I didn't know there was such a thing as an "option". Plus, I knew you were going say no even though it was worth a shot.  I'm not going to say things about you here. It's only fair for people to judge base on their own, not on other people's mouth. I know you're not stupid either because it's already obvious enough as it is. :/  With this being said and done, I have no regrets. Sometimes I feel that it's me against everything. Yet...I have to stop thinking about the bad because I'm letting this take over me and I can't let that. I'm happy and I hope you're happy as well. I guess it's better this way. I'm definitely going to take the advice from someone dear to me and finally put this behind me. And I'm not going to look back.